Dear Weddings are Weird,

Dear Humans,

Weddings are Weird.

All of a sudden, people from high school are more relevant in my life for the first time in over 10 years. I'll be a bridesmaid in a wedding for a friend I've known since 2nd grade. It's so, so special to know that she considers me as an important woman in her life. It's so fun to see her happy, and, alongside that, there is a lot of pressure that comes along with weddings. We grew up as misfits in Catholic school, so there's strange religious pressure in our families about religion that doesn't align with who we are. I've been with my partner for over 5 years now. He has healed so much in me and taught me how love truly can be unconditional. Yet, I don't feel ready for a wedding. I feel like it will bring up weirdness and pressure from my parents that maybe I'm not ready to deal with yet.

Speaking of not being ready to deal, weird childhood friendship hurt is being brought up for me around these weddings, and I'm starting to think that I haven't fully dealt with it as there is still pain there. Growing up, my parents weren't fully present and I was alone a lot. A couple of special parents of my friends treated me like I was their own and let me know that my parents weren't really doing what they were supposed to be. There is one mom that I looked to as my own. She meant and still means the world to me. When I was in middle school, she first got diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. She went into remission and then in high school it came back pretty hard. After graduation, I was taking a gap year out of the country and unfortunately, she passed away. Fuck it was hard. I'm tearing up now thinking about her. She did so much for me, and I couldn't be there for her last days or funeral. I used to be one of the few people she would allow to see her in the hospital, but I couldn't in her last days. Her daughter, my former best friend that used to bring me so much comfort, of course, took her death really hard. I think during the year I was gone, she talked badly about me with other friends. When I came back to the United States that summer, within 4 days, her and our other friend ended our 10+ year friendship in a group chat with the three of us. She dug deep and twisted around, making assumptions about my character and worldview. It didn't make sense to me and they tore me down more when I tried to defend myself. I was heartbroken for years, frankly. Through therapy and other things, I finally settled on acceptance and realization that she actually wasn't the best friend to me. She hurt me more than she should have during our friendship. Truly, the way her mom saw me and treated me created such a special connection for me. At a time of being a lonely kid, a friend's parent showing genuine love and kindness can make a world of difference.

Anyways, this ex-friend was trying to come to my friend's wedding. She even texted her saying that she thinks her invitation got lost in the mail. Weird things get brought up with weddings, I'm telling you! I think it's time for me to continue working on this inner pain I've held onto for so many years, so these things don't hit my heart so hard. Writing another human this message is a start to that, so thank you for reading this long, probably chaotic message. I've accepted that we're not meant to be friends, but it brings hurt up for me when she does little things, like requesting to follow me on Instagram. Why the hell would you end a friendship for such deep, personal reasons, never truly apologize, and think it's okay to move on by following me on Instagram!?

Weddings are weird. Instagram follow requests are weird. But I'll continue to process and heal from this because I deserve it.

Thank you, fellow human, for your kindness and space to let me type away. It's like a personal journal entry I get to share with you. :)

Hi I Weddings are Weird,

Weddings are indeed a strange catalyst for nostalgic, and future, thinking.

We will call it pensive thinking. And, weddings are fucking hard, for most people. 

I want to start by saying everything you are feeling is completely understandable. And applaud you for having gratitude for the friendship you have with the friend who is getting married. What a beautiful thing to have a friend, and a close friend, one that has asked you to be in her wedding, that you have known since 2nd grade. I don't talk to anyone from grade school, and most people I know are in that same boat. I would suggest potentially having deeper gratitude for that (and not suggesting your gratiude is not enough, I am a believer I should have a deeper sense of gratitude for everything in my life). It's beautiful when someone has witnessed the different chapters of growth in our lives, and for most people, siblings are the closest thing we get to having someone that knows us from birth to death. 

It's also worth saying -- yes people from high school are relevant in this moment -- but you will probably not think about them again for another ten years after the wedding is done. And maybe you will rekindle with a lost friend, and that would be wonderful, but most likely not. Lean into the lingering resentments, confusion, and unprocessed emotions it's bringing up in you. Go inward, because ten years from now, you will certainly still be with you, that's without question. And, from your letter, it sounds like you are doing that already. My ex-boyfriend of around seven years is getting married, and we dated (were engaged) almost ten years ago now. It's bringing up a lot of, what I thought was, processed feelings and emotions. I guess I was wrong about that assumption. I also went to K8 Catholic school, and boy oh boy did it fuck me up. I am also gay, and Catholics, especially back then, do not exaclty talk about that during mass. Sure the Catholic Church has made progress, but I would say most Americans have fucked up anglo-saxton trauma when it comes to love, relationships and in particular sex. You are doing more than most, and from the sound of your letter, have worked through that socialization pretty well. Sure, you still have some confusion about weddings and what marriage means to you (and marriage may mean nothing to you and that's cool). It sounds like you have a pretty good partner in your boyfriend. And my advice, fuck marriage if you are not ready. No one has to get married now days (for the most part), and you are blessed with no fucked up forced marriage situation that some still suffer from. So only do it when it feels right, which may be never. Love starts with how we love ourselves, and I know from personal experience, the more inward I have gone with loving myself the more clarity I have got regarding what romantic relationships mean in my life. And how I want them to look. That's the thing with love, if you need it, or need anything, you take away the choice of loving someone. I went on a digression there — I recently got back on dating apps and then off dating apps, it's been an issue. For the past few months I have gotten back to a place of not needing it in my life to be ok, and the open heart trick is back.

Again, it sounds like you have done a lot of work and want to applaud you again for already looking inward. I am sorry about the pain surronding the passing of your parental figure you considered a second mother. That is fucking hard. And I hope you have moved into acceptance. The reality is, your friend's mom, wanted you to go live your life. To go take a gap year. My mother currently has stage four lung cancer, and fuck it is hard. I was on the phone with her the other day, and she randomly just said "I want you to not waste your own time for me. Live son." I am sure, since it sounds like your friend's mother was a positive figure in your life, she felt the same. You were living your life and you should have zero shame or guilt. And, frankly, fuck your friends. Anyone that ends a ten year friendship in a group chat, isn't someone you want in your life. I would also not take it personally. I understand blaming you from the pain of losing her mother, however, years later, that's on her. You did nothing wrong, and if any relationship isn't a value add in our lives we are better off. I also want to acknoledge your biological parents. To me, this deepens my advice to only make decisions regarding your love life, yes your love life, for you. Your parents may have done the best they could, but you also need to do the best you can for yourself. And the beautiful opportunity you now have is to do a little better than your parents did, there’s some Cat Stevens and Neil Young songs about this concept, but that’s all our parents want for us — to do a little better than they did.

And of course your ex-friend is trying to come to the wedding, and of course they are requesting to follow you on Instagram! People usually, know when they have fucked up. This is most likely a strange way for them to live ignorantly and not do the inner work you are doing. I would not approve their friend request. They don't have the right to "follow your life." Apologize maybe, and acknowledge the wrong they did, and even then, I wouldn't let them back into your life. And it probably hurts because they are tarnishing what you want to hold onto as a charmed childhood. Everyone does this. My Father had a stroke almost fifteen years ago and my uncles ended up sueing my mother for guardianship, it was all sorts of fucked up. And, I cut my uncles out of my life. And then they strangely started sending me Christmas cards a few years ago. No apology for dragging me and my siblings through hell, for the HUGE pain they caused my family, nothing. What did I do, write about a dozen texts along the lines of "how the fuck do you think, "what the flying fuck you piece of shit," etc. Eventually I realized it was not the fact that they were sending the Christmas cards, it was that it was bringing up a reminder that my childhood was not all that charmed, and it was flawed, and it wasn't perfect -- and that is perfectly ok. It was still beautiful, and the more I accept the dark parts of my childhood the brigther the good ones become. It's easy to be happy and look back at the past with a smile when someone is ignorant, to look back at the past with a clear lens and with reality, is harder. But, I know from my own inner work, being moderately OK with my past, or holding joy about my past, is so much deeper and grounded. It has allowed me to do the work from the past to have a better present. It has allowed me to have a foundation that won't be shaken no matter if I get married or not, with whatever the future holds, I am and will be ok. That’s my hope for you.

Yeah, weddings are fucking weird. And you are doing a pretty good job of crying and laughing at the wierdness. Life is weird. Also, it's pretty fucking cool. 

I hope my ramble helps, and I hope you dance like no one from the past is watching at this wedding. Dance, dance and dance again. 

Humans of Denver

10.15